Got blowjob blues?

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How do you tell someone, "Babe you suck at sucking dick"?

I sometimes get limp blowjobs - there is such a thing! - and it just kills the libido. Being turned off during sex is probably as frustrating as being cock blocked in the first place. At least then I can't miss what I never had. But to have a throbbing hard-on poorly appreciated - and lost - leaves me looking for the quickest exit. It's a struggle to go on; to arouse myself with this, this... incompetent cocksucker. 

I never invite grace into the bedroom

The person suddenly becomes for me as bewildering and irritating as Nigerian emails, Tranny Gaga, Sarah Palin. I wish for anything that would put miles between us. A knock at the door, a text message, premature ejaculate, a burglary. If I have to enjoy myself (daily average: 2!) then, dammit, I want to be by myself and not here with Miss/Mr Cant-Suck-Dick. Woody Allen put it wonderfully: Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Failing at cocksucking has to be more insulting than being called a cocksucker

Speaking of which, no, homosexuals are not 'naturals' when it comes to it. I've met some with oral skills as bad as proud women or metal braces. I'm the one gagging during the ordeal. Come to think of it, failing at cocksucking has to be more insulting than being called a cocksucker; but, believe me, the biggest insult is being on the receiving end of a limp suck. Where's a four-alarm fire when you need one?!

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love

So how does one gracefully cease a sucky cocksuck, bow out of a bad blowjob, foreclose a frustrating fellatio? Don't know. I never invite grace into the bedroom. My solution has been to simply snatch back my dick and cry, "Stop...no más! Let me."